i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
