glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
