I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
