Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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