while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
