apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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