plz talk dirty to me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
