I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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