Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
