I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
