I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
