Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
