u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
