I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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