girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
