this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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