she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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