im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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