i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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