I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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