I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
