just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
