sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
