I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
