Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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