You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
