sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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