so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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