he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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