The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
