Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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