you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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