if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
