how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
