Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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