He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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