Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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