just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Randomize
