Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize