Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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