where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
