dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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