UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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