I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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