Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
