there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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