I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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