I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
