i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
