I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
