there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I love you. Go after that dick
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
