4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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