he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.