Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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