it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
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Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night