Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore