everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
