i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
