He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
