you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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